I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and depression back in 1986 when I was 14 years old after spending a few weeks in a mental hospital.  My psychiatrist was British and was rude.  That is all I remember about her.  My social worker was goofy and looked like Dudley Moore.

By the time of my diagnosis I had gone through physical, mental and sexual abuse.  I was cutting on myself, felt isolated or empty, a constant fear of abandonment, intense moods and hostility, and felt anxiety and depression. 

I remember being placed on my first medication called Zoloft an SSRI.  I had no clue what an SSRI was or did.  It was strange because before this time the only medicines I had ever taken was for the flu, measles or a cold.  Now I told myself that there must be something wrong with me because I have to take a pill to function like normal people.  This was the realization that I was labeled ill so therefore I must be sick.

I remember only seeing the Psychiatrist about once a week for a few minutes.  I would talk to her and she would jot down what I was saying in her notebook rarely ever making eye contact.  I saw my social worker more than that.  We had family therapy and group therapy with him both of which I dreaded.  I was never one to talk in a group environment and it wasn't because I was shy.  There were a few reasons.  I didn't want everyone knowing about my personal shit and I did not see how sharing it made you feel less alone (they were my feelings and not theirs), I didn't want their support and I didn't care about finding my voice.  I was perfectly fine with sitting in group therapies all day and not saying one word.

The 2 feelings that I always felt were emptiness and fear of abandonment.  They were constant.  I could be in a room full of people and still would feel alone or empty.  Disassociating did not help any either.  My fear of abandonment was intense.  So much that I would test people.  I would throw at them challenges in my personality to test and see if they would stay my true friend. True friends are different than friends or acquaintances.  True friends are battle worn and stand the test of time.  I would cause self-harm either by cutting, self-medicating or threatening and sometimes attempting suicide to see if they would stick with me.  If they did then they were good and if they didn't then they were bad.

This black and white thinking that I had we will discuss in some other articles but I want you to notice it in my behavior now.